CHAPTER 12c

There is a heaven?

 

When we materialized in this Chapter of all chapters, I expected us to be filled with total bliss, to be One with all Creation, to be HOME.

Unfortunately, we were wading in some polluted grey clouds, and Bo was pointing at some tarnished Pearly Gates.

I shivered. They'd already rejected me there once in this dream already. I wasn't going to try again...but, Bo was pushing me. "Come on, Jack, let's move it!"

I tried to stay where I was. I didn't feel like I was ready for Judgement yet. The Purgatory Peace was gone. I felt like sinful old me again.

Bo dragged me over to the line that stretched out in front of the Admittance Desk. As we stood there I noticed it was actually quite a long line. Why there must have been billions of people waiting in it.

We waited and waited. Then I noticed this guy standing on the sidelines, jumping up and down like crazy. "OK, boys and girls," he was laughing with effervescent enthusiasm. "Let's do our jumping jacks. Lift those legs a little harder. Oooh, we're going to have so much fun when we get inside. We're going to eat everything we want. We're going to stay up late and do whatever we want to. Oooh. Oooh. It'll be so much fun!"

"Do we all get to go to Heaven?" I called.

"Of course!" the aerobics instructor laughed. "Everyone goes to Heaven -- as soon as you lose enough weight to slip through the eye of the needle. Now, let's pump those legs and do some real jumping jacks and smile and..."

"Oh, brother," Bo groaned as I started flailing my arms in the air. "This is making me sick. Come on, let's get out of this line. You can rent the video later if you really want to!"

We excused ourselves through the cheerful overweight faces as they puffed and strained their way to salvation.

"Hey, look over there," I pointed. There were animals lined up for as far as the eye could see. Lions and lambs waited peacefully together.

"They're going to Bestial Heaven," Bo muttered as he dragged me over to a clump of bushes. "Look, they'll be changing the Scenario in a second. Wake me up when they do." He leaned back on the branches and closed his eyes.

I gazed up and down the long line, looking at the endless array of faces. Then I noticed these two cherubs pulling back a Page. The line was gone.

"Bo, wake up," I nudged.

"Huh? Oh...yeah. You go and try to get in. If you make it, I'll sneak in behind you." He yawned and closed his eyes again.

I shrugged and walked nervously up to the desk.

A rather tired old guy looked up absently. "Leave your worldly possessions on the table and step through the Detector, please," the guard mumbled.

"Huh?" I stammered as I checked my pajamas for possessions. If he expected me to take them off...No way! I stepped through the Detector gate and an alarm went off.

"All right, step back!" the guard grunted.

"OK, OK, you can have the pajamas," I pleaded as three burly guards dragged me back to the desk. "I failed because I didn't enter the way I came into the world, right?" I offered as the guard fumbled through some pages on his desk. "The pajamas came with the dream, but you can have them, if..."

"No Holy Spirit," the guard muttered. "You can't enter."

"Huh?"

"Did you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior before you died?"

"Uh...I guess not."

"Then, you can't enter."

"But aren't you going to weigh out all my good deeds against the bad ones..."

"That's a different Scenario. In this one you just have to accept Christ as your savior."

"You mean it didn't matter what I did when I was alive? Just as long as I repented the second before I died?"

"You got it, bub. The answer, I mean. You don't get to go to Heaven."

"But anyone can get in, as long as they accept Christ that last second before they close their eyes for the last time?"

"That's what the Book says."

"Even Hitler?"

"Look, bud. Beat it. You don't get in!" He leaned up and stamped my forehead with a big red "REJECT!" stamp.

I was mad. "I want to see the manager!" I demanded.

The guard started to laugh hysterically. Then he kicked me and I went flying into the bushes.

Bo shrugged when I explained what had happened. "Hey, look Jack. They're changing the Scenario again."

The cherubs folded back another Page. Everything looked the same to me.

"Trust me," Bo insisted. "Now go try it again!"

I started to walk forward, obediently. "Hey, don't you think this REJECT stamp on my head will kind of influence his decision?"

Bo pointed behind us at a river flowing gently. "You can wash it off in the River of Life, but it won't matter in this Scenario. Honest."

I sighed and walked forward.

The guard looked up. "You again? I thought we took care of you."

"But they changed the Scenario. Didn't they?"

The guard pulled out his Book. "Oh. So they did. All right. Well, have a seat."

I sat down.

"Now passport, please."

"Huh?" I swallowed.

The guard rolled his eyes, then leaned forward and reached deep into my soul.

It felt awfully strange having someone fishing around in there, but even stranger when he yanked my passport out.

"Ouch!" I gasped.

The guard rolled his eyes again, and began thumbing through it. While he read he tapped away on a giant adding machine, and I could see with each entry a "+1" or a "-1" spewing out the top on a strip of red tape.

"You did what?" the guard gasped.

I blushed, even though I had no idea what he was referring to. I watched as a big "-3" came out on top.

I sat back in the chair and felt about a foot tall.

The guard yawned. "That about does it," he said, closing the passport and handing it back to me. "Now, for the grand total..." He pressed the "Total" key and the adding machine clunked a few times, then spewed out a "+1."

"What does that mean? Did I make it?"

"By the skin of your teeth, son. By the skin of your teeth!"

I jumped out of the chair. "I made it! I made it into Heaven!"

I guess I got a little carried away. I was dancing, and jumping up and down. But why not? You spend your whole life hoping that there will be a Heaven, so that all the craziness of your life will suddenly be justified. Now, I'd found out that I was going to Heaven. What a feeling of relief, and joy, and ecstasy!

I probably would have stood there forever, jumping up and down like a nut, if Bo hadn't pushed me inside the Gates. We fell on the green, green grass. "Wow," I giggled. "The grass really is greener on the other side!"

Bo rolled his eyes, and then helped me up.

Just then a scooter-like flying object zipped by, then backed up. "Hey, you dudes need a lift?" the purple-haired youth called. He cleared a space on back by pushing aside a couple dozen six-packs of beer. He popped one open and downed it in four seconds flat, then burped so loudly the Gates shook. "PARTY!" he screamed, and smashed the can on his forehead.

He turned to us again and flipped us a few beers. "You dudes coming, or what?"

"Uh, no thanks," I stuttered, but Bo stuck his hand over my mouth and pushed me onto the scooter.

For days we drank and partied all day and all night. Girls fanned us and fed us grapes and we had sex with more beautiful women than any Casanova could have imagined in several lifetimes. Bo would have loved it if we could have stayed there forever, and actually I might have as well, although looking back of course, I say it would have gotten boring really fast.

Anyway, fortunately, or unfortunately, the cherubs flipped the Page and Party-Time was over.

This new Eternal Paradise was not exactly like the previous Scenario. Actually, it wasn't anything like it.

First of all we had no bodies.

Second of all, Heaven wasn't material in any form or fashion. It was blissful, for sure, an eternal bliss that went on and on for all Eternity. That is, until they changed the Page on us.

The next Heaven was a golden city with diamond paved streets. It was pretty much like earth in a lot of ways, except everything was perfect, and everyone was happy -- there was no death, no pain, no suffering, no tears, no disappointments, no injustice, and the skies were not cloudy all day...it was wonderful.

Speaking for both of us, we would have liked to have continued experiencing different Heaven Scenarios forever. But the cherubs were getting a little jealous having to flip the Pages for us while we got to experience Heaven's splendor in every conceivable form. I really can't blame them. From what I can tell, a cherub's life is nothing to write home about.

Anyway, they were polite at first as they pointed to the next chapter. "THERE IS A HELL?" was not exactly a very appealing sequel to the wonders we had so far experienced in Chapter 12C.

We stood our ground. After all, two puny little cherubs in diapers were no match for the two of us! We headed off into the clouds, looking for more Heaven scenarios, while the two cherubs went back for reinforcements.

The next thing we knew, there were millions of these chubby little guys pointing rather unfriendly cupid arrows at us. "Go to hell," they yelled.

It didn't look like we had much of a choice at this point.

"Well, we'll just run through the next Chapter," Bo conceded.

The hordes chased us to the end of the wonderful Chapter, and we jumped into the abyss.


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